People who aren’t close to their parents usually had these 8 experiences growing up, according to psychology

From the Personal Branding Blog

It’s no secret that the relationship we have with our parents can shape so much of our adulthood. Some of us remain incredibly close, while others prefer to love their parents from a distance—or not at all. But what actually contributes to that emotional gap?

I’ve sat across countless individuals in my counseling practice who struggle with lingering feelings about their upbringing. Many of them have told me stories of parents who were emotionally distant, overly critical, or even absent.

Over time, I began noticing a pattern in these stories—certain experiences that consistently show up in the lives of people who just don’t feel close to their parents.

So, let’s dive into eight of these shared experiences. If you see yourself in any of these points, you’re far from alone. Sometimes realizing the root cause of that emotional chasm is the first step toward understanding ourselves better.

And in case you want to learn more, I’ve written a book, Breaking The Attachment: How To Overcome Codependency in Your Relationship, which delves into how our earliest bonds can affect the way we show up in all kinds of adult relationships.

1. Emotional neglect during childhood

Emotional neglect can be subtle, and it doesn’t always involve active abuse or harsh treatment. Sometimes, it’s about what wasn’t said or done. I remember a client telling me how her father never once asked about her day or how she was feeling after school. Physically, he was there. But emotionally, he was light-years away.

The pros over at Verywell Mind back this up, saying that children who grow up with emotional neglect often struggle to understand their own feelings. They might brush off disappointments or bury their needs because they’ve learned their emotions aren’t valued.

Fast-forward to adulthood, and it becomes easier to keep parents at arm’s length because that deeper emotional bond was never truly nurtured in the first place.

2. An overly authoritarian parenting style

Were you always told to “obey first, ask questions later”? Or maybe you weren’t even allowed to ask questions. An authoritarian style tends to focus on rules, obedience, and sometimes punishment over open discussion.

When you grow up in that environment, you might develop a fear-based relationship with your parents rather than a loving, trusting one.

It’s not that these parents never cared. But there’s often a disconnect because emotions and individuality weren’t prioritized. One of my clients described her mother as “The Warden.” She said, “I felt safer not telling her anything about my life.” That kind of dynamic prevents real closeness.

Brene Brown famously said, “Vulnerability sounds like truth and feels like courage.” But in an authoritarian household, vulnerability is the last thing you feel safe enough to show. Over time, that emotional wall becomes an entire fortress.

3. Minimal open communication

Open communication is the bridge that connects people. If parents don’t encourage it, children never learn to cross that bridge. Maybe there were no regular family dinners, or if there were, everyone was glued to a screen or hurrying off to do something else. Or maybe when you did share, your feelings were dismissed.

The folks at Psychology Today stand behind this, noting that a lack of open communication in childhood can lead to struggles with expressing emotions and needs later in life. Think about it: if you never had practice safely sharing your thoughts, or if your ideas were shot down, you eventually stopped trying.

As adults, it might feel natural to keep your parents out of your inner world because, frankly, they never invited you to share it in the first place.

4. High-conflict environment

Have you ever walked on eggshells around your family? Maybe mom and dad argued nonstop, or arguments were unleashed on the children without warning. In a high-conflict environment, you’re often too busy protecting yourself—or younger siblings—to develop a trusting bond with your parents. You learn how to survive the day rather than strengthen connections.

I can recall growing up with a friend whose parents fought like it was a competitive sport. She’d tiptoe around the house, making sure not to spark another round. That constant tension can create a level of anxiety that makes emotional closeness difficult. After all, it’s tough to bond with someone you’ve come to associate with stress and conflict.

5. Unpredictable or inconsistent behavior

Have you ever been around someone whose mood swings feel like a roller coaster? One moment, they’re cheerful; the next, they’re raging. Inconsistency can be incredibly destabilizing for a child. We rely on our parents to be our anchors, our safe havens. When that’s not there, we subconsciously pull back to protect ourselves.

The crew at Healthline has highlighted that unpredictable behaviors—from sudden outbursts to erratic emotional displays—can make children feel chronically uneasy. In turn, they don’t know whether to trust the loving side or brace for the critical side.

This emotional yo-yo can become so exhausting that it’s easier, and sometimes healthier, to keep distance once we’re old enough to create boundaries.

6. Lack of empathy or emotional attunement

Empathy is that magical quality that makes you feel seen and understood. Without it, kids often feel alone—even if they’re physically surrounded by family.

Daniel Goleman wrote extensively about emotional intelligence, emphasizing that empathy is one of its core components. It’s not just about listening; it’s about genuinely tuning in to the other person’s emotional frequency.

When parents dismiss, laugh at, or even punish a child’s emotional expressions, that child learns that being vulnerable is pointless or dangerous. As an adult, you may have a nagging sense your parents will never truly “get” you, because they never tried to in the first place. Consequently, forging a real bond might feel hopeless.

7. Being forced into adult roles too soon

Sometimes referred to as “parentification,” this is when a child steps into the caretaker role for siblings or even for their own parents. Maybe one parent was absent, or the household just wasn’t managed well, and you found yourself cooking dinner and doing laundry at age nine.

Maya Angelou once said, “I sustain myself with the love of family.” But if you were the one doing the sustaining, you might not have received that love in return. When children carry adult responsibilities, it can breed resentment and an underlying feeling of having been robbed of a normal childhood.

There’s not much room left to develop a carefree, loving closeness with your parents when you’re too busy acting like the responsible adult in the house.

8. A pattern of criticism or shaming

I’ve saved a big one until last, friends. Constant criticism and shaming leave deep scars. It could be subtle—like a comment about your weight or your grades. Or it could be outright, where nothing you do is ever good enough. When a parent shames a child, it chips away at self-esteem and fosters a sense of inadequacy.

Michelle Obama once shared, “We need to do a better job of putting ourselves higher on our own ‘to do’ list.” But if you’ve been conditioned to believe you’re never enough, that’s hard to do. You might spend your adulthood trying to validate yourself outside your family’s influence.

And if your parents still critique your every move? Well, it’s not shocking that you’ve erected tall walls around your heart to keep them out.

Final thoughts

In my work as a relationship counselor, I’ve seen these eight experiences pop up time and again in the stories of clients who feel distant from their parents. It’s not about pointing fingers.

Often, parents are just passing down the tools (or lack thereof) they were given. However, when you recognize these patterns in your own life, you get a chance to break the cycle.

Healing doesn’t always mean you’ll magically develop a close bond with your parents. Sometimes, healing looks like acceptance, boundaries, or simply choosing a different parenting style if you have children of your own.

Other times, it might mean working through feelings of anger or sadness in therapy, confiding in trusted friends, or even having those tough conversations with family members—if doing so feels safe and productive.

Wherever you find yourself on this journey, remember that self-compassion is your ally. As I’ve mentioned in a past post on setting healthy boundaries (you might have read my post on that already), it’s not selfish to protect your peace. You deserve to feel whole and valued, no matter what your parents did or didn’t do when you were a kid.

Signing off.

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